Who Am I

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Have you ever felt like you were the bad things that everyone told you, you were. Like you were the evil that everyone punished you for, but deep down, you know you’re not. How do you get past that. If you try to get past it, if you try to be happy, you feel like you’re going in the same direction they were going when they told you that you were evil, so you begin to hate everyone who’s happy, then you realize that they were unhappy, so now, what keeping you from being just like them, if you decide to go for your dreams?

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Keep Going

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You know the point you get to when you can’t seperate yourself from the people around you? It turns out, the only way to do that, is to dream, and have faith that you can proceed!

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Getting on With Life

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Making a recovery takes time, so now I want to go for my dreams, again not fearing that anyone can hurt me, my question and bothersome issue for today, is how do I do that? How do I seperate my dreams from those people have put into my head? How do I find out who I really am? God please help me find myself again. In Jesus Name

The Umbrella

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During the storms of life, many of us feel we need some form of shelter. What about those who have spent their entire lives in one big storm? Should they except the truth and find the same shelter as other people or, because they’ve always found their strength in surviving the rain, should they remain in the storm accepting other people’s umbrellas?

What about when part of them wants to enter the shelter, but the other part wants to prove their survival instincts. So they get angry with the others who enter the shelter, that they can’t see how beautiful the rain is.

The point is, too much rain is a bad thing, it drowns things. The rain may be beautiful, but It’s time to take shelter, b/c you crossed the threshold where the rain is no longer beautiful, but a hinderence to you, and you refuse to accept it. Everyone has told you, you belong in the rain, but trust me, the shelter is ten times better.

Move Along!

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I am loving the day! One full day at the park, and a great time meeting different people from different coulters. Question: Who loves the summer? It’s time for fun in the sun.

Renewing the Fight

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Tonight’s been the first time in forever that I’ve actually felt like fighting. I’ve started jogging. It help’s me clear my head. I’ve got past a lot of issues, but still can’t figure one out. Why everyone who told me I was nothing seems to be having the time of their lives, and I’m stuck here battling their demons. I feel like I’m the weakest person on earth, while they’re out having proving to the world how strong they can be. I know the everything that goes around, comes back around, but I feel like a monster for wanting it to happen! I’m trying to forgive and leave the area, but a part of me wants to fight back, even though, the time for fighting is past. Part of me doubts the existence of good. The other part doesn’t want to go on without it. I’ve tried finding a psychiatrist, but I don’t have money!! NO JOB!! Yay me. The more I think about getting a job, the more I can’t stand getting one, B/c I’m afraid I’ll end up just like them, cold hearted and hateful. I can’t dream, b/c I don’t want to be them, I can’t love b/c I don’t want to give them anymore power, so what do I do?

I don’t know anymore

What do you do when you start to feeling that all the bad things in life are your fault? That every pain you have, every hurt you’ve encountered, was of your own making, but you know it’s not true. You only sought the best in life, and everyone else didn’t understand, so they got jealous. Why?? Couldn’t they achieve the same results if they’d put the same time and effort into it? When you lead from your heart, and achieve things that make others mad, the only thing I wanted to do, was have a friend that was happy to be a friend and to share a few burdens with me, but everyone of them tried to convince me that I must have been some sort of bad guy for trying to succeed. I was just shy, and then they started rumors, why?? What did I do to you? Your doubt even got me to the point of almost not even believing in anything good in life. Why did you critisize me? Then you convinced me that I was the bad one??? Why does that make sense to me?? Most of all, why do I spend my time wanting to be just like you? I’ve developed your hate towards other successful people, I see my life as a worthless piece of cr@p. How could you do this? The God you say you stand for, would never have done things the way you’ve treated me! Don’t try justifying this, as you brought me out of my selfish behavior. I was shy, not hateful! If you wanted me to be more social, you could’ve told me! I would have been a social butterfly for your approval. Then when I call to confront you about your lies, “You’re my best friend, I’m sorry for whatever I may have done to upset you.”

You wouldn’t listen then, so I’m going to tell you now, why I was so “selfish” in your eyes.

I watched my step father beat my whole family!

I was the new kid at school, who’s only problem was the last name “Cox”

I watched day after day as your friends tormented me for not speaking to them simply b/c of how they acted towards me!

I had soda poured on my head!

I had a best friend tell me that he was my best friend, then backstab me so he could sit with the popular kids on the bus. All he could say, was “I’m sorry”

I was raped! The first place I’ve even mentioned it was here, I haven’t told anyone else.

You spread rumors about me being selfish, clingy, and a bad peson all together.

I started believing what people were telling me about my last name.

You refered me to the counselor, when I wish you would’ve just ask me what was wrong, not in public, but in private! (That’s what “BEST FRIENDS” do)

You told me that you knew my life, and you understood why I was so shy “I used to be just like you.” I can’t handle this anger and believe that there is anything good in life at the same time! I had began to doubt the existance of God, but he’s real, and you’ll soon get yours. I want to be friends with you still b/c I know it’s the right thing to do, but I can’t. I’ve ditched everything good b/c I know that it is a holy thing to forgive but I can’t forgive you and that school for the things you’ve done.

When I moved, no one in my new school treated me like they did in your school. I keep trying to focus on that, but all I can see is the goodness you tried and failed to show me simply b/c you wanted other people to notice you and the good deeds you were doing! I can’t forget the things you’ve done, it’s taking over my life, making me hate anything successful, but I will come around to forgiving you! It’ll take time, and a lot of it!

Two years have past and I still cant bear it, I believe that God forgives those who forgive others, but I don’t see how my sins could ever amount to those against me. I know God says all sin is the same level, so, I need to ask forgiveness for it, but how could God allow all you’ve done? Nevermind God was my first love, and I must find a way back to that so I can be happy again.

Stepping Up

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So the question still remains. Is love real? Are all my hopes and dreams, my ambitions, my goals, are they just a way for me to seek praise for myself, or am I truely this person, who is different in life?

I know I can’t know everything, but is everything I felt fake? If it is, is it, b/c everyone is telling me it is, or do I truely believe that no one can be pure in thought, or desire.

Just b/c everyone told me because I was shy, I must have had a deep dark personality, does that make it so, or am I trying to be more like them, in telling myself that my shyness was a dark reality. I don’t want to know their thoughts anymore. I want to see who I truely was and who I truely wanted to be.

I just wanted one of them to show that they cared for me, yet they couldn’t even do that!

Why

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I’m trying to keep this blog as anonymous as possible. I don’t like having pity parties! My question, is put simply, why do people not care? Cant they see, that the only people they’re trying to impress when they don’t listen to the truth, is other people, who are trying to impress other people, who usually don’t end up doing it anyway, and even if you do succeed at impressing someone, where’s it taking you? My problem tonight is, why do people have to make fun of things they don’t understand. What kind of power does that give you?

What satisfaction do you get from guessing what happens to people, or furthermore, what they’re thinking when you haven’t even been in their shoes? God please help me from my heart, otherwise, I’ll never get this anger out! Most of all, help me to feel things again. In Jesus Name, if I’m not still agnostic!

Getting Back Up

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What do you do when you know you need to stand back up, but you can’t, so you continue to abuse yourself based on other people’s opinions. In my belief, happiness comes from truth, sorry, but the whole lying to allow the person to cope something, just doesn’t appeal to me!

Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.            -The Bible

So, what do you do when God wants a better life for you, you’ve already felt it and denied it b/c you want a life of pain. B/c everyone else around you has given into the pain and they seem stronger and more fit than you’ll ever be. Then to top it all off, you’ve given into the ridicule that they’ve convinced you of for the last six years? How do you dream on, ignoring all that pain as though it never happened? Isn’t that ignoring the truth? In other words, I know how to get out, I just don’t want to anymore, I feel like I don’t have to fight anymore. No one expects me to be anything more than what they’ve told me all my life.

I know this is completely out of flow with this post, but I was always the suffer in silence type, b/c of it, I kept to myself, no one knew who I was, so they started rumors to feed their hateful heads. Now I’ve let myself become unlovable, b/c the person who was supposed to help me find myself started some rumors too. I guess, I don’t feel unlovable, I just don’t want it. B/c I’m afraid it will end me in the same spot I was in when I started opening up to people, vulnerable! I’m still opening up here, though, so that’s a good thing.